The Dukes of El-Hazard

Here's my first fanfic! (At least, it's the first that I'm willing to unleash upon the world.) It appeared in the newsgroup rec.arts.anime.creative on 1 October 1998 under the Subject line [El-Hazard][Fanfic] The Bet - The Dukes of El-Hazard The original posting is, of course, in the rec.arts.anime.creative fanfic archive, at Please note that the characters are based on the direct-to-video version of El-Hazard - if you've only seen the TV show, some things in this 'fic won't make sense to you.

If you'd like to read other El-Hazard fanfics, why not visit Ravi Duvvuri's El Hazard Fan Fiction page?

In the fanfic "3 ½'s COMPANY", Gregg Sharp wrote:

CHALLENGE: hey, this overall concept seems to work fairly well, let's see some more fusions using it, ne?

If you insist ... [evil grin]

In the fanfic "3 1/2's COMPANY", Gregg Sharp also wrote:

more-or-less standard disclaimer
most characters,series are © of their respective owners. if i had any money, i wouldn't be in the situations i'm in and could actually accomplish something more than sitting at home typing a story like this.

What he said. Also, Toltiir and the Mesa Arizona Geeks appear courtesy of Gregg Sharp.

      Those two geeks in Mesa Arizona are arguing over what to watch again.
      "Let's watch the Sci-Fi Channel - they're running some science-fantasy anime this week!"
      "Science-fantasy shows? You're kidding, right? It's time for some car chase shows over on the Nashville Network, and I always watch those!"
      "They're all reruns! Science-fantasy!"
      "Car chases!"
      "Car chases!"
      Our favorite black cat cleared its throat. The two geeks almost faint as they realize in horror that their defences hadn't worked. "Toltiir! Not again!"
      The cat smiles and tries to jump to the top of the set, but gets swatted away by one of the geeks. He lands on top of the remote. The set comes on - the new horror is just beginning ...


by Rob Kelk

SCENE: A backwoods road somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line. Suddenly, a vehicle comes bounding over a rise in the road. It "gets air" for a few seconds, and we hear the people riding it shout "HAIIIII-YAAAAAH!!!!!"

This vehicle isn't your run-of-the-mill automobile. In fact, it isn't an automobile at all. It almost looks like a boat, complete with a ship's wheel, and it floats a couple of inches above the road (usually). It's painted bright orange with a black "01" on each side, with a Roshtarian flag on the front. There are two people on the skimmer - the younger one is driving; the scruffy-looking one is riding at point.

DRIVER:There's nothing better than taking the "General Londs" out on the open road, ne, Cousin Fujisawa?
FUJISAWA:You can say that again, Cousin Makoto! Now where's my bottle of 'shine?
MAKOTO:Cousin, you know Uncle Schtalubaugh promised that he wouldn't make any more 'shine in exchange for getting us out on parole.
FUJISAWA:Yeah, yeah ... Why didn't we fight those trumped-up charges, anyway?
MAKOTO:Because the evidence that proved our innocence disappeared, remember?
FUJISAWA:Oh, right.

CUT TO a stock montage of the "General Londs" driving to town.

CUT TO what could be the main street in practically any Smalltown USA, except that the flag painted on the Dukes' skimmer is flying from some of the flagstaffs. The local sheriff and a cute redhead wearing short-shorts and a tied-off blouse are arguing beside a skimmer with personalized plates that read "NANAMI", parked outside a restaurant supply store.

NANAMI:You've got to be kidding, Sherrif Diva! Somebody came along and painted the curb yellow while I was inside! Look, my skimmer even has wet paint on it!
DIVA:Well, then, we've also got you on obstructing a public works project, Nanami Duke. That's an extra $500.

Sherrif Diva adds to the ticket she's writing and prepares to tear one copy out of her book to hand to Nanami. Just as she's about to do so, the "General Londs" comes around the corner and Fujisawa grabs the entire book from Diva's hand. Makoto doesn't even slow down.

DIVA:Hey, you two! Come back here with that!

The "General Londs" turns a corner and is lost to view. Diva walks over to her skimmer and grabs the radio. Meanwhile, Nanami drives off.

DIVA:Now hear this - this is your Sheriff speaking. The Dukes just stole my ticket book. They're headed your way, Deputy Ifurita - I want you to stop them!
IFURITA:[over the radio] I understand. Ifurita out.

CUT TO another part of Smalltown USA. A "black-and-white" skimmer is parked across the road, just past a small hill. Deputy Ifurita is standing beside the vehicle with her pistol in hand. Suddenly we hear the unmistakable roar of the "General Londs". It comes over the hill and flies over the police skimmer.

IFURITA:[watches them fly off] The sheriff will not be pleased.

A long white luxury skimmer with longhorns on the front pulls up. A well-dressed man steps out of it and walks over to the deputy.

IFURITA:Hello, "Boss" Jinnai.
JINNAI:I saw that bit of bungling, Ifurita! Can't you do anything right?
IFURITA:They took me by surprise.
JINNAI:They always take you by surprise! Are you sure you know who signs your paycheck??? Well, never mind that for now - get on your radio and tell Diva to get to my office. I've just learned that a travelling "old-time faith" revival group is coming to El-Hazard County, and I think we can make some money from them.
IFURITA:Isn't the money they raise intended for a Higher Purpose, sir?
JINNAI:There's no higher purpose for money than filling my pockets! Remember that, deputy! Ha haha hahaha hahaHaHAHAHAhaHahaHAHAha ...


The words "The following is a paid commercial message, and does not necessarily reflect the views of this station" appear for a few seconds, then we see two young women sharing a love seat. One has dark hair; the other's hair is purple.

DARK-HAIRED WOMAN:Are you confused by what society expects from you? You don't have to keep your true feelings secret, you know - it's far more healthy to let them out. Ne, Alielle?
ALIELLE:Oh, Fatora, it's so good of you to give thousands of women the confidence they need to be themselves!

Alielle puts her arm around Fatora.

FATORA:Don't be shy, ladies. You know what you want, and you don't have to live a lie any more.

The words "The preceeding was a paid commercial message, and does not necessarily reflect the views of this station" appear for a few seconds.

SCENE: A big tent set up in a farmer's field. A sign reads "Sisters of Muldoon Travelling Revival Show". The "General Londs" and Nanami's skimmer are parked in front.

CUT TO inside the tent, where the three Dukes are talking with the oldest of three women present.

FUJISAWA:Well, I have to say "Boss" Jinnai's outdone himself this time, Miss Miz. He doesn't usually charge that much for a exhibition permit.
MAKOTO:Exhibition permits are supposed to include parking permits, too. [gestures toward one of the other women] Asking Miss Afura to pay for a separate permit is a bit much, even for him.
NANAMI:[gestures toward the other woman] Forcing Miss Shayla to pay for a food licence before you could start up a soup kitchen is ridiculous! Not to mention that he charged you double what he charges my restaurant for an entire year!
MIZ:I don't know what we would have done if you hadn't come along and told us about all this. [raises her voice] Shall we show this "Boss" Jinnai our righteous anger, girls?
AFURA:I don't know. Violence rarely proves anything.
SHAYLA:But it feels good! You know what I mean, don't you, Makoto?
MAKOTO:Well ...
MIZ:What do you think, Fujisawa?
FUJISAWA:Busting some heads is only going to get you some jail time. Isn't there something else we could do?
NANAMI:Too bad we can't get "Boss" Jinnai to make a big donation to the cause.
MAKOTO:Nanami, you're a genius! We'll do just that!
SHAYLA:All right!
FUJISAWA:Here we go again ...

Most of the group leaves the tent.

NANAMI:Those two cousins of mine don't even realize that Miz and Shayla are smitten with them. Why can't some cute guy ever come through El-Hazard County? [she leaves]

CUT TO a second stock montage of the "General Londs" driving to town.

CUT TO downtown Smalltown USA, as the Dukes drive past Sheriff Diva's parked skimmer. Fujisawa tosses Diva's ticket book into the vehicle.

MAKOTO:It's a good thing you gave that back, Cousin Fujisawa.
FUJISAWA:I guess so, Cousin Makoto! Isn't it a shame that I forgot to give back this trumped-up ticket with Cousin Nanami's name on it, though? [holds up a citation, then tears it into small pieces]
MAKOTO:Isn't it, though! I'm just glad "Boss" Jinnai's too cheap to pay for numbered tickets. Well, here we are, ladies; "Boss" Jinnai's office.

Both skimmers pull into an alleyway and everyone gets out. They move to the office's back door, which (surprisingly enough) is already open. Walking in, they see the bogus permits and the matching money sitting on Jinnai's desk.

MAKOTO:This isn't right. We came here to ask "Boss" Jinnai for a donation, but we find this instead. Does anyone else hear the word "entrapment" in their minds?
AFURA:You're right - this is too obvious.
MIZ:Oh, fudge! Where's the local law?
IFURITA:Right behind you.

Everyone turns to see Deputy Ifurita in the doorway. Most of the group looks terrified; Makoto looks relieved. For the first time ever on camera, Ifurita smiles.

IFURITA:Hello, darling.
IFURITA:Didn't you tell your family about us, Makoto?
FUJISAWA:And I thought it was your good driving that always got us away from her. You sly dog, you!
SHAYLA:Damn! I lost another one!
SHAYLA:[sighs] Never mind.

Ifurita picks up the money, less the true cost of an exhibition permit. She hands it to Miz, then turns to Makoto and kisses him on the cheek.

IFURITA:That money rightfully belongs to the Sisters. I'll give you three minutes before I "remember" I left this door open. Good luck, and make sure you don't leave any fingerprints anywhere.

The Dukes and the Sisters of Muldoon quickly leave the office and get into their skimmers. They pull out of the alleyway and drive off in opposite directions, but are spotted by Sheriff Diva.

DIVA:I'll get you this time! [picks up her radio] Now hear this - this is your Sheriff speaking! All units, the Dukes just drove out of the alley behind "Boss" Jinnai's office! I suspect they may be up to no good! I'm in pursuit!

Diva turns on her siren and follow the "General Londs".

CUT TO the most exciting part of the show - a ten-minute chase that includes two gully-jumps and a fence-hop, each accompanied by the famous Duke "HAIIIII-YAAAAAH!!!!!" Diva doesn't manage the fence-hop. Too bad that this is all the description the chase gets, ne?

CUT TO the "Sisters of Muldoon Travelling Revival Show" as the "General Londs" pulls up. Nanami's skimmer pulls up at the same time from a different direction. Everyone gets out and hurries toward the tent.

MAKOTO:I know you don't want to do it, but it's the only way I can see to get "Boss" Jinnai to stop pestering you. Besides, we did get the money from his office, ne?
MIZ:I suppose you're right. I don't like giving in even that much, though.

They enter the tent, only to find "Boss" Jinnai waiting for them.

JINNAI:So I was right! My lifelong rival, Makoto Duke, was involved in the break-and-enter of my office! There's no defence for you this time! I record everything that takes place in there! Ha hahaha haha hahaHahaHAHAHAHahaHA -
Please stop laughing, Jinnai!

Ifurita enters the tent and walks over to Jinnai. She whispers in his ear. Jinnai's face turns red.

JINNAI:Nani??? You forgot to put a new tape in the machine?
IFURITA:That is correct.
JINNAI:Then go dust the office for fingerprints!
IFURITA:Officer Katsuo has already done so.
IFURITA:The only prints to be found were yours, his, mine and Diva's.
JINNAI:[facefaults, then looks thoughtful] What about the door?
IFURITA:Only the same fingerprints were on it. The door was not forced.
JINNAI:Katsuo no baka!
MIZ:[moves to Jinnai with a sheet of paper] Mister Jinnai, the Sisters of Muldoon wish to thank you for your kind assistance. Here is a tax receipt for an amount equal to the permit charges you asked us to pay.
JINNAI:I don't want ... nani? A tax receipt? I suppose that'll do.

Jinnai and Ifurita leave the tent. As Ifurita leaves, she winks at Makoto.

SFX:[off-scene] a skimmer pulls up and stops
JINNAI:[off-scene] It's about time you got here, Diva! Never mind; we're going back to town! I want to talk to that nephew of yours, Katsuo!
DIVA:[off-scene] What do you think he's done this time, sir?
SFX:[off-scene] three skimmers start up and pull away
FUJISAWA:When's the big day, Makoto?
NANAMI:Yeah, I have to know so I can cater the reception, ne?
MAKOTO:C'mon, guys, we aren't that close yet ...


Last update: 16 February 2001

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